The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats

I am so certain that within the next two weeks I won't be in college anymore. I know there are thousands of other students doing the exact same thing as me but with all the thoughts already implanted in my head about philosophical shit and the future, it is not the best place for me to be right now and as tough as I have tried to act, I simply cannot cope with it anymore. I hate it to the very depths of the word's meaning. I can't motivate myself to do the work and the thought of disappointment from teachers is so much more daunting than that of my parents for whatever reason. The emotions of the latter part of last year never left and they are slowly growing to consume me completely, at a rate of which I don't see myself making it through the academic year without jumping in front of a bloody train. Gosh I hate talking about myself like this but my brain is too drained to think metaphorically right now. No one manages to understand what it is that goes through my mind, and as complicated as it may be, I'm so sick of hearing "Think about your future, you need qualifications!" I won't have a fucking future if I stay in college any longer and for once the choice to leave is something which will help me and no one else because I am a selfish person like that. Either way, to stay in college or not, I do not see myself being content with anything and so it shouldn't matter really, should it? I know I am the own cause to my unhappiness. I'm willing to admit that, as much as I don't want it, I need help and if my counselor can't help then I will accept I have let all of these terrible thoughts go on for too long and there is no longer anything which can be done about it. 


and why am I posting all this here? Because I don't give a shit anymore. I have become such a different person to who I used to be in so many ways.

We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.

We've only been at college for about 3 or 4 weeks and I'm already finding it too hard to cope with. This year is going to be even worse than last. I didnt even think that would be possible.

Jukebox fuckup hanging round the drugstore

My mom thinks I've been getting into fights at school because of my knuckles. I feel guilty for getting mad at her when she asks me to "please stop being so angry" because it's not like she really knows how to handle it. How is an outsider expected to control it when the bearer has hardly any grips on it themselves. Meh I'm just so drained right now and I really hate college and maybe getting into fights would actually make a more exciting story than simply saying yeah I get angry and punch walls who cares but anyway my mom is now paying for my new phone  to try and make me happy even though she doesn't have the money to afford it but because I'm so selfish I can't say no. Yawn.