The only escape from the miseries of life are music and cats

I am so certain that within the next two weeks I won't be in college anymore. I know there are thousands of other students doing the exact same thing as me but with all the thoughts already implanted in my head about philosophical shit and the future, it is not the best place for me to be right now and as tough as I have tried to act, I simply cannot cope with it anymore. I hate it to the very depths of the word's meaning. I can't motivate myself to do the work and the thought of disappointment from teachers is so much more daunting than that of my parents for whatever reason. The emotions of the latter part of last year never left and they are slowly growing to consume me completely, at a rate of which I don't see myself making it through the academic year without jumping in front of a bloody train. Gosh I hate talking about myself like this but my brain is too drained to think metaphorically right now. No one manages to understand what it is that goes through my mind, and as complicated as it may be, I'm so sick of hearing "Think about your future, you need qualifications!" I won't have a fucking future if I stay in college any longer and for once the choice to leave is something which will help me and no one else because I am a selfish person like that. Either way, to stay in college or not, I do not see myself being content with anything and so it shouldn't matter really, should it? I know I am the own cause to my unhappiness. I'm willing to admit that, as much as I don't want it, I need help and if my counselor can't help then I will accept I have let all of these terrible thoughts go on for too long and there is no longer anything which can be done about it. 


and why am I posting all this here? Because I don't give a shit anymore. I have become such a different person to who I used to be in so many ways.

We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.

We've only been at college for about 3 or 4 weeks and I'm already finding it too hard to cope with. This year is going to be even worse than last. I didnt even think that would be possible.

Jukebox fuckup hanging round the drugstore

My mom thinks I've been getting into fights at school because of my knuckles. I feel guilty for getting mad at her when she asks me to "please stop being so angry" because it's not like she really knows how to handle it. How is an outsider expected to control it when the bearer has hardly any grips on it themselves. Meh I'm just so drained right now and I really hate college and maybe getting into fights would actually make a more exciting story than simply saying yeah I get angry and punch walls who cares but anyway my mom is now paying for my new phone  to try and make me happy even though she doesn't have the money to afford it but because I'm so selfish I can't say no. Yawn.

Dentists

Having not visited the dentist in 4 years, today seemed like a good time to catch up. So yeah he has told me I need 3 fillings and have to have this procedure or something to remove the nerve of one my teeth :( Bad times. But what's even worse is that he said I have to avoid sugary substances like fizzy drinks, crisps and chocolate between meals so basically my whole diet has just evaporated because that is what I live off. Fun times eyy!!!

Hm..

The worst feeling is knowing that I have disappointed someone. I just told my dad my results and I wish I could just drown myself in the lake of repulsion he has created between us. So maybe I'm over exaggerating, but when he realises he's going to have to pay £100 I'm sure that lake will evolve into a fucking ocean.

This is totally something I would do

Blind donkies drive erratically

I cannot express how excited I am about going back to college tomorrow. A new start, it's not like my AS results are going to carry on into my final A level results. Seeing all the old faces of everyone I love. Crowd-surfing over small children in the corridors. Greeting every teachers with a smile filled with gratitude and happiness. The happy memories of all these years spent in education are brewing in my mind and this final year is sure to add to those. As my wise old form tutor said today, an E is still a pass so all is well! Yeah I sure as hell passed the rest of those exams with flying colors, too. How could any uni turn down such a bright and motivated student who is achieving E's. Why should I even take my A-levels? All those big American corporations should just take me on right now! Gosh, I am simply thriving to have to wake up at the ripe old time of 6am tomorrow to spend 6 hours at the place I love the most :).

Aceptación

Such joy I am feeling at this current time. The sun has gone down but in my heart it will always shine, bright and ferocious, no one dares to go near the heart of incinerating heat but it's warmth manages to embrace those hundreds of miles away. As many turn away, this light opens itself up to plenty of others for them to feed off. It's helplessness has become accepted and this considerate soul accepts the view of others, accepts nothing can be taken in return and will continue to burn hot and strong at it's very core. Not until it is gone will people feel the real impact, though.

I love everyone and everything.

LOVE AND JOY.: GoAnimate.com: . by hanmaczLike it? Create your ow...

LOVE AND JOY.: GoAnimate.com: . by hanmaczLike it? Create your ow...: GoAnimate.com : . by hanmacz Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com . It's free and fun!

Tardis Cake

Expectations

Reality

lulz.

:)

Unanswered hope is shattered hope

I feel like writing a really long or at least semi-long entry about something but what that something is I just do not know. Maybe I should write about how I can't think of anything to write but that's not interesting and the only reason I want to is because I want to be sarcastic so maybe I'll write a really long entry about how I am feeling but hide the reality of it with falseness which pours itself amongst the text from it's overflowing core thus blanketing what is really there, much like an erupting volcano with the lava spilling down it's sides, it exposes few parts so as not to create the illusion of a doll house with polly pocket's being played with by a 5 year old child who has no idea of what is to come, the innocent and uneducated, creating an ideal life for these toys as if to reflect the dreams she holds in her unevolved mind about how life should be. The perfect life; tricking herself into the belief that dreams come true and she is beautiful and will grow old and graceful like a swan and she could even call herself that too, Swan. The Swan. The only one who everyone can love, the prettiest and the smartest, the wealthiest and the kindest, gentle and loving, judging no one. Unique is how she will describe herself, and her parents won't help when they call her special. Building up this false identity which consumes her mind so much it becomes her reality. The only reality she will accept. As the years go by realisation slowly creeps in. Hardly noticeable at first but still there. Getting closer. Closer to the big finale; The final dance, the last show, take a bow and goodnight. Her poor dreams shattered into nothingness as she lays on her deathbed finally able to understand what has been all along. The understanding that her dreams were never there in the first place and all the things she has built up are worthless nothings of anything and not until she closes her eyes for the last time is she at peace as she has finally found what it is she has needed all along.

so der wos dis gurl hu wos totaly in luv wid dis boii in her german class. 1 daii da boii wnt up 2 da gurl and sed 2 her sie sind schön. evry1 in da class laffed n trned away 2 tri n be subtle bt she nu dey were laffin at her. she wos so humiliated she ran out da class in tears n felt lyk she wntd 2 dye. l8r dat nite her parents f0und her passed out in her bdrm wid da words "luv hurts" etched in2 her rist. dey rushed her 2 da hospital bt she had lost 2 much blud n had 2 b put on a lyf suprt masheen 4 2 hole wks. wen she awoke she wos stil deprsed 4rm wot had hapened n stil wished she wos ded. a few hours l8r da boii who 'ad caused al dis came 2 visit her in da hospital but she dint wnt 2 c him bt he insisted so she sed ok fyn. howeva by da tym  he had g0tten da chance 2 c her she wos ded. she had puled out da tubes n stuf wich wer helpin her 2 stay alive. the boii wos devastated n wished he cud hav 1 mor daii wid da gurl of his dreams. he wish he cud tel her dat all da skl kids were actually cryin and withdrawin in jealousy n sorrow ova da sweet words he sed to her. he wished he cud go bk in tym n tell her wot he rlly ment 2 say. if onli da gurl had payed mor atention in german class bcoz den mayb she wud undastnd dat  sie sind schön in english wud b translated to "u r beautiful" bcoz he wos in luv wid her jst lyk she wos in luv wid him and now der luv is 4eva lost n he, lost in misery n guilt, dus da same as wot da gurl did, he carved her name into his chest n put a hart around it. dey were buried nxt 2 ech ova 2 remember wot cud hav ben.

repost dis if it maid u cri.

Now we wait

This instance in particular proves that beneath all that cool pseudo-academic hogwash lurked a very passionate man who knew how important it was to say "fuck" now and then, and say it loud too, relish its syllabic sweetness, its immigrant pride, a great American epic word really, starting at the lower lip, often at the very front of the lower lip, before racing all the way to the back of the throat, where it finishes with a great blast, the concussive force of the K catching up then with the hush of the F already on its way, thus loading it with plenty of offense and edge and certainly ambiguity. FUCK. A great by-the-bootstrap prayer or curse if you prefer, depending on how you look at it, or use it, suited perfectly for hurling at the skies or at the world.

I LOVE MY HAIR SO MUCH

118 days

And I will be here

I dont know if I can wait that long

:-(

Thank fuck

The truth doesn't matter

Due to popular demand this blog will continue it's beauty by dedicating itself to my favourite postsecrets as it is all I can be bothered to do

I love this weather why cant it be like this all the time

fuck the poets of the past, my friends 

there are no beautiful suicides

just cold corpses with shit in their pants

& the end of the gifts

The Eggplant That Ate Chicago

!!!!!!! 

It is apparently set to snow around the time we travel to America. Heavy snow. Gonna be sooooo good, I think I may hyperventilate and die from excitement. 

fuck yeah chicago

Finally booked the tickets, along with travels to North Carolina and ultimately Ohio. Now I just want to sleep and wake up in November.

Are you a cigarette?

because you're smokin'
because you're a fag




Really cant be bothered with this anymore because I swear I only have like 4 readers and as much as I love satisfying my avid followers with my intensely enticing entries I have discovered a life outside of my room and instead in the great outdoors amongst the sun, tree, animals, you name it, I am now one with nature and it beckons me outside in its warm, glistening light which I have so come to love and it has so come to appreciate the company I bring to it.

0ldskl

MR SKETCHLEY IS LEAVING AND MOVING TO AUSTRALIA

;-;

h4rtbrkn

My friends are artists