I am so certain that within the next two weeks I won't be in college anymore. I know there are thousands of other students doing the exact same thing as me but with all the thoughts already implanted in my head about philosophical shit and the future, it is not the best place for me to be right now and as tough as I have tried to act, I simply cannot cope with it anymore. I hate it to the very depths of the word's meaning. I can't motivate myself to do the work and the thought of disappointment from teachers is so much more daunting than that of my parents for whatever reason. The emotions of the latter part of last year never left and they are slowly growing to consume me completely, at a rate of which I don't see myself making it through the academic year without jumping in front of a bloody train. Gosh I hate talking about myself like this but my brain is too drained to think metaphorically right now. No one manages to understand what it is that goes through my mind, and as complicated as it may be, I'm so sick of hearing "Think about your future, you need qualifications!" I won't have a fucking future if I stay in college any longer and for once the choice to leave is something which will help me and no one else because I am a selfish person like that. Either way, to stay in college or not, I do not see myself being content with anything and so it shouldn't matter really, should it? I know I am the own cause to my unhappiness. I'm willing to admit that, as much as I don't want it, I need help and if my counselor can't help then I will accept I have let all of these terrible thoughts go on for too long and there is no longer anything which can be done about it.
and why am I posting all this here? Because I don't give a shit anymore. I have become such a different person to who I used to be in so many ways.
I feel exactly the same. Well obviously I don't know exactly what you're feeling but I swear I care about how my teachers think about me than I do myself. I really cba anymore :( Don't let anyone say that you need qualifications to have a future. Obviously they help, but its better that you're happy with AS's (which are great) than really really unhappy with A levels. What ever you choose, it's the right one for you, not for anyone else, it's your life :) Remember your friends are always here for ya <3 :')
ReplyDeleteIkr :/ I'm so over trying to impress my teachers when they're not gonna remember me or anything, I'm just another student to them. I'm just really stuck right now and blah it's like last year was such a struggle and I ended up doing terribly and I really doubt this year will yield any better results so it isn't in my best interest to put myself through it all again to be disappointed :/ Oh well, thanks ;) <3 !
ReplyDeleteThat's alright <3 You could also see how you do in your retakes and see how you felt then? I mean we've got like one more month ish until christmas (YAY) and then two weeks off :)Then if you retake and if you think it went shite then you could always just drop then? But it's up to you, you're soo lucky you get paid like gold at Waitrose so you will be rolling in cash if you work more days :P xx
ReplyDeleteYeah.. I was thinking of asking about still doing my retakes even if I do drop out now or soonish :s Its not like the classes now are helping toward them so yee idk ! Aha ikr, like if I do leave college, Waitrose pay a substantial amount to get me by, and I think I can get away with living with my parents for a few more years ;) xx
ReplyDeleteI'm sure they will still say yes, because they're already signed and paid for, they can't really say no can they? :P Yeahh and then you can save up for your own flat ;) xx
ReplyDeleteThis wasn't working when I tried to check the other day.
ReplyDeleteYeah as Han said, don't worry about people saying you need the qualifications. As it's going you know you wouldn't put any effort into it, so it's better you get out of there when it's draining so much from you. If needs be you can always re-do A2 in a couple of years when it doesn't kill you to do so.
We miss you at school Chrissi, and all hope you're doing better without all your teachers getting at you.
I'll try and keep in touch through this :)
CHRISSI. I MISS YOU.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ciara. I'll miss you all too.
ReplyDeleteand Maurice, I MISS YOU TOO. I didn't mean to leave so abruptly but it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.
Hope it goes well for you guys <3